I hear he’s got a wicked right paw.
Archive for the 'Apropos of Nothing' Category
I know, I know, video posts are lazy and any schmuck with an Internet connection can post one. Well…I don’t know where any of you six readers got the idea I was anything but a schmuck with an Internet connection, but if you thought more of me I appreciate the confidence! The truth is it’s been a busy few days, what with a death in the family, a single mom in a minivan rear-ending me and some unseasonably shitty weather bogging up the works.
I’ve really been meaning to get to that ever-promised Gattaca post, but I don’t want to half cock it, so I’m just going to give you the very first youtube video of Gattaca I ever viewed. The year was 2006 and I, out of college for less than a year, was toiling for the Walt Disney Internet Group in a stuffy office (with free French Vanilla lattes!) in North Hollywood. My commute to my barbarically overpriced Marina del Rey apartment was about 55 minutes each way – to go 13 miles. To sum up, it was not the best of times for thy Sanders.
But…I persisted, I “survived and Levanced,” one might say. Hell, over the next 18 months I managed to bilk paychecks out of two other giant media conglomerates for generating little creative content, not that that was what they wanted, anyway. I think I’ll save my milquetoast roman a clef for a more inebriated evening, though.
So, yeah, Gattaca….coming tomorrow…I think…
Facebook status updates you probably shouldn’t post while intoxicated…
Published March 25, 2009 Apropos of Nothing 1 Comment
Facebook, for better or worse (most likely worse), is here to stay. Whether you’ve been on it for five years or five days, if you’re an Internet user, you Facebook (yes, it’s reached “verb” status). This, of course, means more invitations to play Mafia Wars with your brother in law, more friend requests from collegiate one-night stands, and the always lovely “poke” from the 300-lb. special needs girl you sat next to junior year. (Not coincidentally, she could beat our current president in bowling, but would most likely drop a tennis match three sets to none.)
It also means being on your best behavior when, upon arriving home from a social occasion oiled in the alcoholic lubricant of our times, you log onto Facebook. Tempting as it may be, you must resist the urge to write defamatory, inappropriate or possibly lawbreaking diatribes on anyone’s “wall.” Don’t send any ex-boyfriend or girlfriend a message, thinking, “Well this is so much better than drunk dialing because there’s spell check.”
Don’t take a picture of yourself in your bra and post it as your profile picture. Don’t go onto an attractive male or female who stupidly has his or her page set to public and attempt to co-opt their identity. Don’t create an offensive group (example: We need a low-fat White House, no Oreos!) because it sounds funny after six shots of Tequila and seven soft-shell tacos.
But, most of all, DON’T UPDATE YOUR STATUS WHEN DRUNK. Many a life, relationship and public image has been ruined by rum-soaked ruminations. Here are some I’ve seen (or wish I’d seen) that are the most unfortunate:
…’s balls are swollen from looking at fine trim all night!
…is wondering how they get that rabbit on the cereal box?
…wants to feed Tracey Gold finger food.
…is sad that his girlfriend of seven years cheated on him with one of his co-workers. How many sleeping pills are “enough,” again?
…just booked a flight to Chile to see Felix. I can’t wait for him to unwrap my taco!!!
…thinks these bitches ain’t trying to fuck. Then why you at the club, ho???
…looked good on the dance floor, LOL! Ain’t nothin’ wrong wit a lil bump n grind if yo man know how to work it!!!
…still wants Sawyer to do her, even if he has gotten fat.
…Kyrie Elesion down the the road that I must travel!
…just stabbed some dude with a box cutter in the elevator.
…wouldn’t mind seeing some nude pics of Whoopi Goldberg.
…OMFG! Grow up BOYS!!! Sooooooo frustrated!!!
…thinks these guys aren’t paying attention. Time to take down the top and blast my nips!
…got his heart snapped like a snail on the sidewalk. He’s a flower who just wants to bloom, but no woman will let him 
…IS DRANKIN!
…wishes Hoobastank was still around. At times like this “The Reason” is all she needs, LMAO.
…just dropped the snow globe Jeremy gave her for Xmas. There are no words. Sadness.
…yes, it’s true, I’m now single. Bitch.
…has an awfully large penis, you wanna see???
…is watching some really bad porn.
…is One Tequila, Two Tequila, I need Tequila more!!!
…wants to quit his job Monday. Home Depot can suck it from the back.
Because I’ve been too busy drinking this! It tastes just like canned nothing!
